I just woke up and this was the first email in my inbox. One of the joys of modern technology is email. Well, it started out as a joy, but has now created information overload, and even worse, misinformation overload. Never in all modern times, except for the radio presentation of HG Wells, The War of the World http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_War_of_the_Worlds_(radio_drama), have we been able to so readily send information to others that is factually incorrect, drought with errors, and scaring others into action or inaction.
I guess that's the downside of living in the information age filled with email, websites, RSS feeds, Twitter, Linked In, Facebook, Blogs, Forums and Wikipedia. Someday we will learn how to create, filter, transmit, analyze and work with all of this abundance of information in a more efficient and easier way. Until then, here is an RFI for you (relatively funny insight). Personally, I always think of "Real Frikkin Idiot" when I hear the letters RFI. For FYI, there's F... You Idiot, but that's information for another blog post.
Anyway, Happy New Year. If you're reading this, you had a safe drive home, hopefully sobered up, and upgraded your computer so you're immune from the Y12K problem, which I know you still worry about every year about this time.
Personally, I hope the Y12K problem is that we all have too much business this year and need to spend 12k on new hardware and software so we can keep up with all of the new projects we will all be getting.
I hope you have a prosperous and quality informative year, especially with all of the great blog posts I have planned about my new position at ACAI Associates, the best company I have ever worked for in my entire life. Again, Happy New Year and see you again right here on your computer, smart phone or tablet screen. Oh yeah...FYI! Fantastic Year Indeed! (For any of you who wonder how much time I spend thinking this stuff up, the answer is zero. It comes out of my brain instantly as I write it. I don't know if that's good or bad, but at least Randy appreciates it, and that's all that matters!)
All,As we come to the end of another year - I want to thank everyone for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.I have faithfully read the stories, e-mails, and seenyour videos of how our country is slipping so much closer to inevitable socialist takeover run by illegal aliens fueled by our free press media with more money than God.I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years..I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and multiple saints Novenas have granted my every wish.I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit downI no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Exsince they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and UzbekistanI no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by theViolin Spider and my hand will fall off.If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
... and with all that said, Happy Holidays!"We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public."